I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you inspire me to be a worse person
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize