from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize