Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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