woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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