Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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