You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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