Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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