Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
