I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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