i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Come share oat with me in your robe
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize