I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
