I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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