I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
