You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
