the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize