I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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