feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
