Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
