true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
me + whiskey = a bad person
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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