theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
