What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
