I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just forgot I was standing up.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
