He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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