just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
