If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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