i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I think I just sharted jello shots
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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