He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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