she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
