Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
