Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
