ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
