I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
