I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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