You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
