Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
