Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
