how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
