I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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