i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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