after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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