No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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