o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
