Umm I'm too high to move.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
