i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
