Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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