we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize