Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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