so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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