I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
