Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize