i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
