it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
