I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I love you.
Bad choice
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
