And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
