Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
