Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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