the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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