i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
