Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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