On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
