I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
